I haven’t always kept sight of my glow. I sometimes find myself not fitting into my own life; the very life I spent my whole life creating. It is indeed a strange phenomenon, and I don’t particularly like it. I have tried to ignore it and hope it goes away, but it just doesn’t.
My husband’s favorite TV show used to be reruns of ‘The Twilight Zone’ with that strange eerie music that alerted you to the weirdness of what you were about to see.
I kind of hear that music playing in the background of my own life.
I haven’t quite decided whether this is actually funny or not…
So, here I am – starring in my own twilight series – my twilight years.
By simple definition ‘twilight’ means: “A period of state of obscurity or gradual decline.” …Well, THAT is depressing.
But wait, it ALSO means this – “The soft glowing light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, caused by the refraction and scattering of the sun’s rays.” – AH, I think there is something powerful here for all of us in the ‘twilight zone’.
I want to be authentic here in how I feel – not for pity’s sake, but for the sake of those who may feel the same. Perhaps you may find purpose and hope in knowing that you are NOT alone.
We all feel lost in our own lives sometimes, and as you get older it can definitely feel like a REAL thing.
I am basking in the soft glow of my OWN life!
I remember my husband’s mother when she was my age, always standing kind of over in the corner, on the sidelines. She was always trying not to be in the way (which she NEVER was – we adored her.) She would try not to dirty a dish when she ate, or even try not to eat too much. I always felt like she had an air of sadness about her but I could never put my finger on it. I have since noticed this strange phenomenon on MANY older people I have had in my life – it is like they feel like aliens or outsiders looking in. You can see it in their eyes.
Well, now I’m there. I find myself standing kind of over in the corner, on the sidelines. I find myself feeling less and less a part of this life I made with my husband over 40 years ago.
It has really bothered me – like, geesh – am I becoming like Eeyore? Woe is me; no one needs me; no one wants me. Nobody likes feeling like an Eeyore.
Sure, we are in our twilight years – I get that and I am actually okay with that. I don’t feel old most of the time – I don’t look my age (thank you good genes and makeup and hair color), I still have my wits (I think), and I have mastered electronics (even though my grandkids think I can’t function without them). So in general, I am GOOD and maybe even GREAT with my current state.
I have come to a glorious conclusion I can live with and I hope YOU can too.
It’s time to celebrate!
If I feel misplaced somehow it is because I did MY job already; good or bad, failures, successes and all, I did my job!
I am now standing to the sidelines watching the soft glow of the BRILLIANT sun I was a BIG part of creating. Because I get to watch my kids and grandkids grow and change and become who I hoped they would be, I am basking in the soft glow of my OWN life!
This isn’t a pity party time – this is PARTY time, minus the pity. Old age is a reward – we are STILL here. And if we are standing quietly off to the sidelines, we are just reflecting and soaking in our gratitude and absorbing ALL the WHYS of our life. Our purpose was THIS.
The twilight years and the strange phenomena of their metamorphosis needs to be seen as NOT a curse, NOT just a decline and NOT as something that’s sad – but a BLESSING. It is now a precious time to bask in the soft glow of the brilliant sun we helped to raise. Maybe we don’t fit quite as well and aren’t as needed, and just maybe THAT should be seen as a good thing.
Wasn’t that the actual goal? It means we did our job.
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our INNER self is being renewed day by day.” (II Corinthians 4:16).
Go bask in the warm glow of your twilight
And remember – maybe it’s time for YOU to try something new. It’s never too late. Every day is a NEW beginning, no matter your age – all possibilities are on the table every morning.
“Because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high.” (Luke 1:78)
And do NOT cue any strange eerie background music.