I wrote this during a dark season I called my soul’s darkest night; “the valley of the shadow of death”. There is only one way out of this experience. I made it out and so can you. ????
I have been to places I never dreamed I would go to. No, not actual PLACES you travel to by foot, plane, or car, but a journey to a place referred to as ‘the dark night of the soul’. And it IS exactly THAT – dark! For all the moments I ever thought I was sad or down or even depressed, I NEVER really knew the crushing weight of what internal darkness actually IS.
It is more than being sad or down, and is the end result of an unresolved journey in depression. It is that moment when all hope seems gone and for an optimist, THAT is the crushing blow.
For someone who never gives up, it is a harsh reality to feel hopelessness. How can someone who claims to always see the bright side and who has faith that is barely unwavering, arrive at the doorstep of thick, black, suffocating darkness? And find the door knocker has YOUR own name on it.
This is a place I have NEVER been, although the thick air feels slightly familiar… I feel like maybe I have been standing here much longer than I thought…years maybe… my whole life maybe… and that just NOW my eyes are open to see what I have been up against all my life. What I have fought so hard to keep at bay. Why I scream from the depths of my soul ‘DON’T GIVE UP’, it is my dark night.
It is the night I never wanted to face, never wanted to admit had a hold on me. I have never felt more vulnerable, misplaced or full of self loathing. Never felt more regret and shame. Never felt more like damaged goods, devalued and worthless. Never felt more cheated. Never felt more exposed. Never felt more alone, and NEVER felt more hopeless. I am a prisoner of whatever lies in this thick darkness.
There is a word you can scream from the depths of your dungeon that will silence the demonic laughter and shake the gates of hell.
All I know is that I can’t breathe. I want to self destruct, and THAT is NOT something I have ever felt before. All the demons of my past have gathered to lie siege on my life. They call out my name. They call out my shame. They seem to know me oh too well. They are even familiar to me. I recognize their breath as they breathe on me.
They have come to taunt me and to prove to me once and for all, that I am worthless. They list my failures and remind me of my weaknesses. They brag how they are the reason I did this or that, or DIDN’T do this or that. They mock me by showing me their control on my mind and heart through the years; how they blinded me.
They mock my faith. I hear phrases like: “you don’t deserve to go to Heaven.” And I who love Jesus, am listening to them. You know why? Because really, I’ve come to think that their words are true.
Why would I share this most intimate part of my heart with you? Because I am guessing there are others in the darkness. I totally sense I am NOT alone. I can’t ‘see’ you but I feel the intense pain around me of hundreds and millions of people who are lost in the darkness WITH NO WAY OUT.
Which brings me to this, is there a way out? YES!!! All it takes is one tiny flicker of light – the light of a candle can pierce the darkness up to four miles away…. When you feel this soul crushing darkness that threatens your very existence, and you are alone in every sense of the word, you MUST light your own candle!
First realize maybe there is NO soul 911 gonna come rescue you. There is no ‘phone a friend’ – there is no alcohol or drug or relationship that can make this darkness disappear for good. There IS however a word you can scream from the depths of your dungeon that will far silence the demonic laughter and shake the gates of hell. That one word is JESUS!
This article was written by Corine Channell who writer, blogger and author. Her blog site is Hashtagsoflife and she is the author of #365ReasonsNOTToGiveUp.