A healthy sex life needs a good foundation to rest on. It is not a stand-alone component. In the context of marriage, best friends will have the best sex. Husbands, you and your wife are brother and sister in Christ. Your spiritual union is the real power source in the marriage. Hearing God’s voice clearly, will help us to connect emotionally, which will naturally make the physical connection healthier.
I see a healthy sex life as the completion of a circuit. The relational connect (spiritual and emotional) is a support for the physical. The physical connect is a support for the relational. They co-exist in the marriage stream, and the bedroom is a part of that stream.
Husbands want their wives to sexually desire them. Because of hormones, men are more sexually assertive, while women are more sexually receptive. Seeing the receptivity of his wife, means a lot to a man. Important for husbands to know: your wife’s lower level of desire for sex, has nothing to do with you personally, not being desirable.
Note: if the physical connection is severely non-functioning, there may be a need to examine the spiritual and emotional areas to see if there is a need for adjustment. Top two reasons wives give for wanting a less active sex life than their husbands are: firstly, a lower sex drive, and secondly, they are too tired or stressed.
Women need to relax to get in the mood to physically connect and enjoy an active sex life, while men relax by engaging in the physical connect.
4 differences in the sex life of a husband and a wife
I love these insights from Shaunti Feldhahn in her book For Men Only:
Firstly, your wife has a lower sex drive and she would change that if she could. Testosterone type hormones facilitate assertive desire while Estrogen type hormones result in receptive desire. Also, the lower level of sexually assertive hormones, lead a woman to being more susceptible to distractions. For example a noise in the house, or leftover thoughts from her day. Most women would PREFER to want sex as much as their husbands. If they could.
Secondly, she needs more warm-up time than you.
Thirdly, your wife is not turned on by your body, no matter how good you think you look. Your wife may notice that you look handsome, or smell nice, but it does not equate to sexual attraction, in the way that a man understands it.
Fourthly, for her, sex starts in the heart. Your wife’s ability to respond to you sexually, is connected to how she feels emotionally at the moment. “All my power to turn you on is how I look. But where you have power, and where I don’t, is how you treated me today. It’s all emotional.”
Here is a poignant truth: “Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to you outside the bedroom.” A hug, physical touch, on the nights when you are NOT planning sex – this is important to a securing a great marital sex life.
Every little girl growing up, wants to know they are pretty, beautiful. They need to hear it from mom and dad. Little girls grown up and married, still need to have the question answered, “Am I beautiful?” But in particular, their question is, “Am I beautiful to my husband?” My wife needs to know that she is beautiful to me, and that I only have eyes for her. Even if she knows it in her head, she still needs to hear it from me. Some husbands wonder why their wives ask them, “How do I look?” The husband thinks, there’s a mirror in the bathroom, and a full length mirror in the bedroom!! But for her, there’s really only one important mirror, and that’s you.
Here is an insightful testimony: “After I get ready to go out somewhere, there’s sort of a thirty second rule. If he hasn’t noticed me in thirty seconds, I guess I don’t look good enough for him….we were going out last night. I take a lot of time getting ready…and I think I look pretty hot. I come downstairs and he doesn’t say anything. So instantly, I’m a bit deflated. We walk out of the house and climb into the car, and as we’re backing out of the driveway he notices that the little metal insignia on the car hood is crooked. He stops the car and gets out to straighten it. He noticed that, but he didn’t notice me?”
“Fine.” A common response from guys, to a lot of different questions… For example Getting ready to go out, wife asks, “How do I look?” Husband replies, “You look fine honey.” In her mind she’s thinking _______ ? In reality, my wife is not wondering if she looks presentable. She might want to hear she still rocks my world, like she did when we first starting dating. Bottom line: always try to affirm the areas you find beautiful about your wife, external, and internal. If there are areas where she could improve and she asks you about them, be honest and kind.
Schedule bedroom dates…
In summary, I include these quoted sections from our book, Vertical Marriage: A Godward Preparation for Life Together.
“Wives desire intimacy in the areas of intellect, emotion, and spirituality. These are the areas by which you came to know each other. Over time, they deepened to the point of deciding to be married. They were, and always will be, the sure foundation to an enduring marriage. Nonetheless, sexuality in marriage remains as that small but strategic element – invaluable to the overall health of a marriage.”
This has led us in our marriage to plan regularly occurring “in home dates”, as we like to call them. This has removed uncertainty and doubt, and in their place is a regular orderliness that we both appreciate. “What about being spontaneous?” you might ask. It’s always a welcome guest, but we find that planning ahead of time is much more reliable. The renewal that sex has brought to our marriage over the years has inspired us to make sure we are consistent.
Also read: Husbands: Here Is Your Wife’s Greatest Need