I know something beautiful comes from sharing our truths and I would like to share mine.
I have had an abortion, and today I stand against it. My choice was wrong. I know that and I accept my fault. However, I wish it wasn’t even an option. Most days I think of my child. I was 16 years old. Honestly, I was happy and excited when I found out I was pregnant and then convinced I could not care for the child. Adoption was a consideration, but I knew I could not let go after 9 months of carrying a child. I was told the child would have a terrible life if I raised him or her. I loved my baby already.
I was under a lot of pressure and taken to a clinic to talk to doctors and financial aid (I couldn’t even believe they would offer financial aid). Three times, on the way to the appointment that had been set for me, I heard the song “Heartless” by Kayne West. While sitting in the waiting room, I looked around I wondered if any of the other girls felt the same pain. There I sat in a waiting room full of girl…and other than the song I heard nothing…there was no smiles, no laughter, no talking, it was somber.
That song haunted me for a long time and would bring tears to my eyes each time. Years later, I heard the song and decided to pray and name my child. I don’t know if it was a girl or boy, but I had to let go of what I had held onto for so long. My hope was to pray that my child would go to Heaven. I am teary eyed as I write this even now.
I have come to terms with this moment in my life. Today, I know I can’t change it and I know I am forgiven. It will be a long time before I will see my child in Heaven. Often I wonder if I will ever know him or her as mine?
No one should go through this. Definitely not a 16 year old, who should not have had to make that choice or have it made for them. If I knew what I was doing I would not have believed the lies that I was told that got me pregnant in the first place. In all honesty, I did it on purpose. I wanted a baby. I craved unconditional love. Yes, I was sexually immoral by choice, but I was a child myself. I was not told the pain I would feel or the guilt and shame I would go through.
Freedom in Truth
If a girl came to me considering abortion I would tell her my truth. I would tell her it hurts long after the baby is “gone”. I would tell her it takes years to even begin to repair the emotional wounds. If anyone thinks they can just do it, get up the next day and go back to normal life, they’re wrong! It’s the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, and I have been through my share of hardships.
If more women would tell their stories then maybe this would end. What if people were more accepting , would sharing would be easier? If we never tell our stories then know one will ever know.
Join the Life Matters Movement
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Read also: Why Life Matters To Me by Pat Schatzline