I can’t say that I ever tried to kill myself but I definitely always stood on the sideline of self-destruction in silence; almost a kind of slow unraveling of my soul. I never knew who I truly was; my identity was lost through the years of my life. I found myself in the titles of jobs I performed, but never just in being ME.
I didn’t like me. Shame had me. I had suffered abuse. Insecurities had me. I had my own inner prison that I was locked in. Silence kept me in chains.
Everyone is Hurting
As my son Joseph and I produced the film Shattered Silence (a documentary on suicide and its prevention) we interviewed dozens of people in deep, excruciating pain. We listened to their agonizing stories of struggling to survive. Stories about bullying, PTSD/Veterans of War, abuse, self-harm, eating disorders, and the aftermath of suicide. I, myself, would then feel my own heart begin to race and beat wildly. I would run out of interviews sobbing, as my own pain started to erupt from dark, hidden caverns of my soul. As we encouraged others to speak up and shatter their own silences over the trauma, or abuse, or tragedies of their lives, I too was unknowingly staring down that same road.
Producing the film represents the best and the worst of times for me. I learned about my own silence, my own self-loathing, and my own burden of relentless shame. The pain of my past would play over, and over and, over until finally I began to let it go.
I sobbed ugly cries to the heavens. Death called yet I wanted to live. It felt like chains had fallen off me, but where to go now that I was free. Freedom felt more painful than the bondage.
God. The One who never leaves me in my darkest moment. God, who steadies my faltering heart. The One who breathes life into dead bones. MY dead bones. When my past threatened to destroy me, God stood up for me in the face of my enemies – in the face of silence, and shame, and grief, and hopelessness, and shame, and self destruction. God spoke LIFE and HOPE! He shattered the silence of my own broken heart. God made me whole. He restored my soul.
“Through our pain and suffering we must fight to survive; taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions so that out of the darkness we will rise to our true potential.” (Joseph Channell)
Hope in God!
The worst possible time to give up is – EVER…DO NOT GIVE UP EVER! If you have run the race with full steam ahead, you see the finish line just up ahead, and you are exhausted/blistered/bleeding/parched/overheated and feel like you might die – keep your eye on THE goal and the reason WHY you are even in this race. Do.Not.Give.Up.Ever. You are not alone; God is with you.
For more information contact us through our website: www.jmmcreative.net This film is also currently aired on GODTV several times during the year. We thank them for believing in us as we try to reach a world in pain; sharing the hope of God to restore broken lives.