My unraveling, I have always had parts of my life I couldn’t remember. Either by trauma or just time moving on; I really didn’t know.
I had prayed if there were things I needed to recall, that I would be able to, when I was ready. I had a feeling they were dark. And I knew in my gut that whatever I couldn’t remember, I had forgotten for a reason – maybe unintentionally on purpose. I say unintentionally because when you’re a child, what do you actually know to be good or bad, or true or a lie – you just upload and store. It is all there, people. All the things. All the memories. And only God can heal the damage from the abusive ones.
As I began journaling over the past few years, it really felt like my story started writing itself and I was the unwilling author. But the more I let out, there came a time when there simply was NO going back. I was shattering my own silence – first to myself, now to everyone else I guess.
I have realized I am unraveling. To unravel is to “undo twisted, knitted, or woven threads”. It is an unwinding of what was tightly entangled or knotted. Voila’ – ME!
Unraveling is part of my healing, even maybe a BIG part. I MUST unravel. But boy, it is scary and unfamiliar and many times I hear myself saying (to myself) WHO are YOU!?
UNCOVERING WHAT WAS HIDDEN
In my unraveling I discover new parts of me I never knew, or parts of me I have never experienced, and parts of me that were never allowed out. It is quite the party for one. NOT really a party, but trying to find humor in this. I feel like one big knotted and twisted braid, wrapped up so tight that there wasn’t even room for a bird to make a nest in the braid. In my unwrapping, there are a lot of ‘Ta-Da’ moments. I can go from shocked to angry to surprised to happy to embarrassed to devastated, all in a matter of hours. I am traveling rugged terrain I’ve never ventured upon.
All my suppressed feelings that lay dormant for 50 years are all standing at attention now. They all demand some sort of attention, and each one is saying – HEY! Notice me!
I could just stop right here on my journey to healing after abuse, and go no further. BUT I am NOT! So, there’s THAT. I started this thing, and I will finish it. And I remind myself that THIS is a good thing and a long overdue thing. And, God is the one doing it. “You will do everything you have promised; LORD, Your love is eternal. Complete the work that You have begun.” (Psalm 138:8)
HEALING BRINGS FREEDOM
“The Unraveling” by Cory Asbury –
“I’m coming apart at the seams
And everyone’s pulling at me
And I am unraveling
The smile isn’t quite what it seems
But it does well to hide what’s beneath
All the pressure is staggering
In the unraveling, Father unravel me
When I can’t feel a thing
Have mercy and let me bleed
I know it’s dumb
But I have been numb
For way too long
I don’t want to be alone anymore
I don’t want to just survive anymore
And I want to feel, so unravel me
I’m coming apart of the seams
It’s worse than I thought it would be,
But I’ve never been happier.” (WOW. All the wows.)
WE are each unraveling to our freedom, from the inside out. First it hurts – then it heals.
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