going deeper Archives

“I could understand if I was lost
On a road I didn’t know
And there were no signs
To tell me where
I should or shouldn’t go
But I find myself
Lost in a place
That was my own,
That was my home
And I turn around
Just to find, I’m all alone.
And I just can’t see Your plan for me
Cuz the dark has made me blind
And what once I knew
And recognized
Has all been left behind.”

It’s funny or ironic that I wrote these words 19 years ago after my husband died, and yet they resurfaced in my head today as being a present day feeling I have yet AGAIN. It is that proverbial changing of the guards, or more so the changing of the seasons. Maybe being misplaced is less about being lost, and more about moving on FROM where you are at? Perhaps the feeling of being lost is just that I am now out in deeper waters – uncharted waters where I have NEVER been before.

I watched the finale of season three of ‘The Chosen’, when Jesus walked on the water to the boat with the disciples on board, in the middle of raging waters. I have heard the story 100 times in my life but to see it in a visual was like, WOW. To SEE the storm raging, to hear the fear in the disciple’s voices, and to see Jesus calmly walking to them ON TOP of the waves – well, it wrecked me. I did NOT expect my own reaction. It felt like He was coming for me. I think I could relate to them in the boat, feeling like – I have been in these fishing waters before but never in waves like this, and feeling lost and probably fearing for their lives. But then there is Jesus. Just like always – He shows up – He walked out TO them – so they could SEE Him walking on the water.

JESUS MEETS US WHERE WE ARE

When Peter got out of the boat and walked over to Him, and started to sink (which I do often, so I can relate) you could see Simon go under and then you saw the hand of Jesus pull him out of the deep – and Simon begged “please don’t let me go.” I sobbed. I feel that way. Please don’t let me go.

It is a weird experience to not feel at home in your own skin, or to not feel welcomed by your own self – and to doubt everything you count familiar, as all of a sudden feeling alien to you. So, what if you come to the end chapter(s) of your life, and all of a sudden you feel like you don’t fit in your own story anymore. Now what? Just me? Anybody else? Good to note Jesus meets us right where we are, right when we need Him most, and right when we think we can’t go on. We may have to get OUT of our boat (what is familiar to us) and trade it for what is scary and unfamiliar (oh you know, walking on water which is something we don’t normally do, and CAN’T do without faith).

So, this unfamiliar scary road that beckons me on is a good thing – I NEED to walk on the water/ I NEED to put ALL my faith in Jesus/ I NEED to trust Him NOT to leave me alone or let me sink beneath the waves. My heart’s cry is like Peter’s words – “Please don’t let me go.”

JESUS’PERFECT LOVE FOR US

“On this rock I will build My church.” Jesus was talking about SIMON. The one who would sink down in the water and needed rescued; the one who would deny ever knowing Him – whoa. What an ultimate betrayal – to have literally trudged thru the hills of Judea, built campfires with Him, prayed with Him, ate meals with Him, watched Him perform miracles, have been granted the SAME power to do the SAME miracles in His name, and – it all comes down to the words, “I never knew Him”. I can NOT even imagine the bitter revelation that hit his own heart as he spoke those words – how his soul must have instantly churned into a tight ball of horror. And it wasn’t just once that He denied knowing Jesus – it was THREE times. And yet – again – remember these words Jesus said of Peter – “On this rock I will build My church.” This was the place of his name change to Peter (like Jacob to Israel) In Matthew 16:18, “Jesus said to Simon, “I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of hell will not overpower it.”

I think for me personally what I get MOST out of this story is NOT Simon’s failure, but Jesus’ perfect love FOR Simon. Can any one of us prove ourselves worthy of such love? Can I? Maybe I am always striving for some unattainable perfection – we MUST remember that Jesus came for those of us who need rescued, for those of us who deny Him, for those of us who cannot save ourselves – good to note, this is ALL of us.

Don’t you love that Jesus saw past Simon’s betrayal and saw the heart of a man who just couldn’t seem to ever get it right, no matter how hard he tried? Aren’t we all a little bit Simon? Maybe Simon needed to get a bird’s eye view of the depths of his own heart – in order to truly grasp who Jesus was. To know and believe that his worst failure was no match for the great love of Jesus extended to him. Wow. I wonder if once we REALLY get this, that THIS is where it happens that even HELL can NOT stand against us.

WALKING IN DEEPER WATERS

The deepest part of the Pacific Ocean is 36,161′. Jesus walked on the Sea of Galilee which is 141’ deep. The miracle of Him walking on the water was NOT measured against the depth of the waters or the force of the wind – it was that He DID walk on it – 141’ or 35,161’ – He did the impossible. I am asking for the faith to walk on the waters – ALL the waters as they appear before me, knowing He will give me courage and grace to walk ON the stormy waves, OR He will part them right down the middle so I can cross on dry land. Either or.

In this season of me feeling like I can’t get it right – like I am sinking fast in deep waters – like I am lost in my own life – like all the landmarks have been removed or relocated – I am asking (no – begging) Jesus to NOT let go of me. I am asking for Him to help me write the ending of my story worthy of His name and for His glory.

“Hold on to me when it’s too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again
When I don’t feel like I’m worth defending
When I’m tired of all my pretending
Hold on to me
When I start to break in desperation
Underneath the weight of expectation
Hold on to me
Hold on to me.”
(“Hold On To Me” by Lauren Daigle)

When we finally see who we are NOT, then we can see Jesus for who He IS. And deep waters, extreme waves, raging winds and storm surges won’t stop us – like Simon, when he kept his eyes on Jesus and moved forward in faith, indeed he walked on water. And so can we.

“You’re packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen…
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You only take so much
Walk on. Walk on…
Home – I can’t say where it is
But I know I’m going…
Walk on, walk on…”
(“Walk On” lyrics by Kendall Hayes/sung by Darlene Zschech)

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The 3 C’s of Christianity: Conversion, Communion, and Consummation

I once found myself in a vision of the Tabernacle of Moses, with each of the three portions of the Tabernacle representing a degree of intimacy with the Lord. The Outer Court was labelled ‘Conversion’ and there was a large area splashed with the blood of Jesus. Beyond the blood, a veil had been slashed open so that anyone could enter into the next level. It was clear that although the gate to salvation is narrow, once inside we can go as deep as we want.

Unfortunately, many people don’t get much further than Conversion; it is just too messy to walk through the blood. I took a moment to consider whether I really wanted to get my feet dirty and eventually crossed through the veil to the Inner Court.
The Inner Court was the place of Communion and I saw the body and blood of Jesus laid out for me to consume. Those who enter this place find a deeper satisfaction with the Lord but it comes at a cost; it is darker in the Inner Court and you will have died to self a little in your walk through the blood. Beyond the next veil, the Holy of Holies was waiting.
This is the place of Consummation; true and total intimacy with the Lord. Once reserved for the high priest alone, we now all have access because of Christ’s blood sacrifice. I stood with the veil before me, the full glory of His power and presence just a step away. I’d been praying for more of God for so long and finally, I was about to be face to face. I would have thought I would run straight in.

Instead, I found myself gripped by an immense fear. The holiness emanating from beyond the veil was so intense that I felt like if I were to step any further I might die. In reality, death to every part of me is what is needed in order that Christ might live through me, but in that moment I couldn’t embrace it. Though it is scripturally true that I have been crucified with Christ, I realized that it wasn’t yet a reality in my full being. My mind was still set on earthly things, my flesh- driven by a fear of dying- was consumed with dread, and so I did not venture any further.

This experience bothered me. I thought I knew Jesus pretty well. I thought my hunger for more of Him proved my devotion. It was startling to discover that He was waiting for me in a place much deeper than I dared to venture. Sometimes, in my vanity, I can be tempted to think that my desire for God is greater than His desire for me. Through dark and testing times I have sometimes entertained the bitter lie that God is absent, unloving or unknowable. But the truth is, if God did not want to be known then He is big and powerful enough to never be found. On the contrary: Jesus’ deep hunger to be known by us is precisely why He came. God takes no pleasure in holding back His presence or power from our lives. There is no price or pain that we could pay that would compare to what He paid for the chance that we would turn and know Him. When our lives flashed before His eyes during the awful crucifixion, we can be sure Jesus wasn’t merely thinking, “I hope they get saved one day.” He hungered and thirst for much much more.

The God of Israel was a spectacular God, one who did not share His glory with another. Yet, on the night He died, Jesus made this astonishing statement: ‘The glory you have given to me, I have given to them’ (John 17:22). If we are in Christ, then we are no longer considered to be ‘another.’ Total unity, total Consummation, is available to us. That is what He wants for us. That is what He died for. Is it what we live for? When He calls us deeper, will we dare to go? Even if it kills us?

The veil is open. All we need to do is step through.

Francis Chan makes the ironic observation that while ‘God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time.’* Let’s not settle for comfortable Christianity, with an acceptance of Jesus which stops at Conversion. Communion is sweet but even that isn’t deep enough. Let’s keep walking through the blood, all the way to Consummation, whatever the cost. The veil is open. All we need to do is step through.

going deeper

Moving Out Into Deeper Waters

JESUS MEETS US WHERE WE ARE

JESUS’PERFECT LOVE FOR US

WALKING IN DEEPER WATERS

There’s More to It Than Just Conversion: The 3 C’s of Christianity

The 3 C’s of Christianity: Conversion, Communion, and Consummation