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Fighting for Joy: A Struggle of Parenthood and Life

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

Most anyone you talk to will agree that babies are a gift from God.  In fact, James 1:17 even says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above.” Can you think of a more good and perfect gift than a brand new, wiggly, pink, powder-scented baby?

Jesus speaks about children often in the Gospel.  Matthew 19:14 says, “But Jesus said, ‘Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.'”  It is clear that children are blessed and special to the Lord and it is our job as parents to lay a foundation of Christian principles, leading their precious souls back to Jesus every chance we get.

Then what makes it so hard? 

What happens in between the moment we bring home that bouncing, bundle of love and those chaotic toddler tantrums, and those stressful teenage years?  We often lose sight of the joy.  The cute, sweet cherub that would once sleep soundly on our chest is now screaming, “No!” to all of our requests and making us feel completely out of control and insane.  Not to mention we feel completely guilty for no longer seeing this “precious gift” the way we once did.  It’s not that we lose all joy completely.  It’s that other things creep in and drown out the joy.  More often that not we focus on the negative.  The negative behavior pouring out of this child we should be able to control, our negative responses to this child, and the negative voice in our head telling us we aren’t doing a good enough job.

How can we get the joy back?

How can we flip the switch back to where we once were?  Back to the place where we only wanted time to slow down so they could be babies forever.  John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  Life and child-rearing are not meant to be perfect.  We are humans and so are those cute little humans we are raising.  Humans have free-will.  We cannot control every little move they make or action they take.

What we do have control over is our reaction.  We can choose to focus on the stressful, negative, hard moments, or we can choose to hold on to joy and see the good.  In an ever-changing environment we have a God who is always the same.  He is control of it all, we are not.  We can try as hard as we can to manipulate, control, and form our children to be exactly the person we think they should be.  That’s not the goal, nor is it even possible.  God’s will and plan will always prevail.  Control and manipulation of others is something that is driven from a place of fear – not from love or God.

Danielle Wilson of Fusion Church does a great job of highlighting the things that steal our joy:

  1. Fear
  2. Comparison 
  3. Busy-ness
  4. Trying to be someone you are not 
  5. Control can kill your joy

In the video below, Danielle speaks confidently about steps we can take to embrace joy again.  Her message spoke deeply to my heart as a mother, but it isn’t geared directly toward parents.  It is a message everyone can learn from.  Let’s agree to live the full life Jesus has called us to – the life filled with joy!

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

Fight For Joy | Danielle Wilson

Danielle Wilson of Fusion Church via YouTube

This article was written by Joanna Flavin, a staff writer at GOD TV.

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A Perfect Parent Vs. A Grace-Filled Parent

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

I am a recovering perfectionist. It is sad but true. I have a vivid memory of being in the 6th grade and making a handmade poster about penguins for a presentation.  It was the day before my poster was due and I spent hours trying to perfect the title with a magic marker. See, it was the late 90s, before you could whip up and print out a title with a nice font. I had to write it out by hand, and it HAD to be perfect. I remember the tears shed over that “P” that just didn’t look the way I expected it to. Man, I wish making a perfect “P” was my greatest worry now!

The Quest To Be Perfect Continued

When I reached high school, perfectionism still clung to me. In my mind to be noticed, I had to make varsity soccer as a freshman because I had to be the best. Anything less was a failure. And then I decided I had to be in the starting line-up and I had to be the best freshman out there. Not only am I a recovering perfectionist but I am insanely determined, that’s a dangerous combination!

Outside of sports, I also had to be the perfect student. But, one day, in my junior year of high school, something shifted. School got harder and I realized I couldn’t be nor did I want to be the best anymore.

Because trying to be perfect was EXHAUSTING.  I realized that once I achieved my goal, I was never truly satisfied.  I knew I would never be content at the top because I always had to find a new goal to reach higher for and to beat everyone else at.  It was a very vicious cycle. So, that year I approached school differently and I was okay with not being the best. I realized life is not all about achieving at the highest level. When I began to let go, I began to really enjoy myself.

The Quest To Be A Perfect Mom Begins

Fast forward to the birth of my first baby. That pull to be a perfect mom crept in and it wasn’t just about me being a perfect mom, it was about my kids being perfect kids too.  According to me as a first-time mom, my kids would never eat fast food, would only eat organic food, and would reach all of their milestones before their friends. And tantrums? Not even in their DNA (ha, what a fool I was)!

Back then I thought life was a race and we were going to perfectly win it. Oh wow, I was so wrong! Trying to be a perfect parent is so much harder than trying to be a perfect athlete or student. I mean keeping small humans alive is a hard enough task in itself! Doing it perfectly is NOT EVEN POSSIBLE. Needless to say, I am really, really bad at being a perfect mom because I am just an imperfect human raising other imperfect humans.

I have days where I raise my voice too much or grow impatient with my kids over little things. And I feel guilty that I failed them. But I often remember a psychologist I learned about in grad school, D. W. Winnicott. He coined the phrase “the good enough mother“. And, boy, does it resonate with me. The concept is that a parent will do everything they can to keep their child healthy, happy, well-fed, thriving, and feeling loved.  But of course, there is too much to balance in life, let alone child-rearing, to do it all perfectly. So they do everything they can well (not perfect though), still making the family stable and healthy…and good enough.

His Grace Is Sufficient

The thought of being good enough reminds me of 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Just like Winnicott said the good-enough mother will still result in a stable and healthy home, God never intended us to be perfect either.  If we were, we wouldn’t need Jesus’ grace and salvation! Therefore, we boast in our weaknesses and embrace our imperfections as people and parents because it deepens our need and desire for Christ. And it brings us closer to Him!

Far From Perfect

When I was able to adopt this concept (and it is still an ongoing work in progress) I felt like the pressure was lifted and I could stop being so hard on myself. And you should see us now.  Two kids later and child number 3 is usually in his pajamas all day, covered in dirt and yogurt.  When it is time to get ready for bed, he puts on clean pajamas and starts the cycle all over again. My minivan (that I swore I’d never get because PERFECT moms only drive SUVs) is littered with crumbs and FAST FOOD french fries.  It smells like a hockey bag and onion rings. My kids will go a day without watching television, followed by a day where they watch two movies straight. And do not even ask me the last time they took a bath…couldn’t tell you.

But you know how I know I am doing a grace-filled, good enough job? We have a lot of fun and we laugh A LOT. Dance parties occur regularly, but we sometimes yell at each other. However, when we are done being angry, we say sorry, and ask for forgiveness. Then we ask for second-tries and do-overs. We also hug and tell each other we love each other about 100 times a day. I am super happy and so are my kids and NONE OF US ARE EVEN CLOSE TO PERFECT…and I am very grateful for that.

 

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The Key To Being The Perfect Parent: Accepting You Never Will Be

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

Parenthood is a not-always-so-funny, yet funny thing.  In my case (but I know this isn’t always the case), you find out you are pregnant and from the second that double line turns pink, that circle turns to a plus, or the word “pregnant” pops up on that stick you are overcome with joy.  “It worked!!! I am really going to be a mom!” Or, “Wow, I am going to be a mom again, my baby is going to be a big brother!”

Usually, the joy bowls you over. Knocks the wind straight out of your chest.  Or maybe at first you had to come to grips with the fact that you were pregnant and once that happens you can’t even imagine not planning for a new life to add to your family.  Unfortunately, the enemy is also there lurking, waiting to sneak in and steal our joy.

He loves planting a thought in our head that brews a fresh pot of fear:

“What if I can’t do it?”

“What if I fail?”

“What if my child has special needs that I am not equipped to handle?”

“What if my child gets seriously sick?”

“What if I am a bad parent?”

“What if we can’t afford it?”

“What if they need more from me than I am able to give?”

I could sit here and write a list of my own parenting worries and fears a mile and a half long.

The thing is, we are never supposed to be enough as parents.

I have only been a mom for 6 years and a mom of 3 boys for only 2 years. But, I learned very quickly: We can’t possibly be enough for our kids.  We don’t have enough hands, enough energy, enough time, enough patience.  We cannot do it alone.  Then I realized:

We aren’t supposed to do it alone!

That is how God created humans, and that is how he designed parenthood. He set us up to “fail” so that we would ALWAYS INCLUDE HIM.  He wants us to always look to Him, to always seek His guidance first, to always lay everything at His feet.

Is that not what you expected?

Did you think you would get the hang of it quickly?  Did you think you would master it like you did everything else at life?  I did. I have been good at everything I have tried. I was captain of my soccer and track teams, got into the college of my choice, and married my childhood sweetheart. Everything always came perfectly naturally to me.  Except parenting small children.

I learned that each stage is different, and each kid is different. There is no status quo, there is no expert level mastery.  Even seasoned-veteran parents are feeling like an expert at something, but then launching into a new stage that is completely new territory.  When kids are grown and move out parents are left to navigate new boundaries, new expectations, and then they start all over with grandparenthood.

His grace is sufficient.

When I feel like I want to play hide-and-seek and never be found, get called to jury duty so I have a day of quiet, or just cry in a closet somewhere, I am reminded of this.  It’s ok to not have all the answers.  I am supposed to need help, I am supposed to call on the Lord.  That’s the whole point.  My daily mantra is from Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Parenting has me shouting and boasting my weaknesses from the rooftop.  I have learned perfection was never the goal.  If I were perfect then surely I could do this gig alone.  But, man, I don’t want to.  I want that grace poured down on me so I can dish it out to those around me.

He gave ME these kids.  He made each and every child special and different.  And He chose ME TO BE THEIR MOM.  Nobody else.  I am the only one in the world that He chose to be the mother of my 3 kids.

We are called to love our children and to point them back to the ONE who is getting us through.  The one who gave them to us and gave us to them.  Our kids don’t want perfect parents, they want that parent that was overflowing with joy at the gift placed into their arms for the very first time.  God doesn’t want perfect parents either. He wants us to cling to him in full dependence, every step of the way.

Click here to learn more about and watch the 2nd season of God TV’s The Mum Show. Be inspired with more wisdom on raising children.

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Connecting To Your Kid Through Their Love Language

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

“You are the best mom I have ever known.” When those words come out of my husband’s mouth I melt into a puddle. He knows me better than anyone else on earth and he knows how to speak my love language: words of affirmation. In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman talks about how every individual has both a love language in which they give love and a love language in which they receive love. Once you are informed about the 5 love languages and figure out which one is most applicable to you and the other person in the relationship, then you can better understand and interact with one another. Yes, it is very useful in an intimate relationship, but I have found it also helps improve your relationship with your kids.

Which Love Language are you?

The 5 love languages include physical touch, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service. Like I mentioned, I am very much a “words of affirmation” girl. Give me a compliment about my hair and you’ll be my best friend.  Give me a compliment about my great parenting and, apparently, I’ll melt into a puddle.

Most parents with more than one child learn VERY quickly (like while they’re an infant, quickly) that each child is VERY different. They may look alike and come from the same gene pool, but that does not mean they act alike. Just when you feel you are becoming an “expert” at understanding one child, BOOM. You birth another one and start at square one.  I made the mistake of assuming since my second-born son slept through the night since the day we brought him home, then surely my third son would follow suit. WRONG. One of the many things I have assumed as a Mom and then been quite wrong about.

Kid 1

So, yes. My three sons are all very different which makes us parent them in different ways as well. Their differences also apply to their love languages. What makes one feel loved doesn’t always work for the others and vice versa.

My oldest son’s love language is receiving gifts.  Honestly, any time he opens anything new you would think it is Christmas morning. It could just be that he helped me with groceries and saw that I got him his favorite cookies and he shrieks with delight. You can imagine just how joy-filled the ACTUAL Christmas morning is at our house. I know if I really want to connect with him I just need to show him love by getting him an unexpected gift. Or even an unexpected Happy Meal.

Kid 2

My middle son’s love language is physical touch. I think it is because when he was born his older brother was 21-months-old and I didn’t want big brother to, you know, “accidentally knock him out of his swing”, or “accidentally jump on his head with all his weight”. So, I wore baby number two strapped to my body, pretty much at all times. It could be innate, or baby number two could have learned at a young age that he felt very safe and loved because he was ALWAYS on mommy’s chest.

Either way, I know that my middle son feels most connected to me when we are hugging, holding hands, or even wrestling.  Anything that involves physical touch makes him feel seen.  We even play this game called “filling his love cup”.  He tells me his love cup is on empty and I need to squeeze, tickle, and hug him until he tells me his “love cup is overflowing so much it is shooting to the moon.”

Kid 3

Then we’ve got kid number three. The one that is forced into being easygoing because he has no choice.  From the day he entered our world he was on-the-go. He was dragged to big brothers’ school drop-offs and pick-ups, soccer practices, playdates, etc. It makes sense that his love language would be quality time because, unfortunately, it is not something that he gets organically.  It is something we need to really schedule for him to feel like he is the one getting one-on-one connection time with mom and/or dad. When he looks up at me and says, “Will you play with me, Mama?” I know he needs that time to connect and try not to brush him off to vacuum another mountain of crumbs.

Love Language: Relational Beings

God made us relational, but He also made us all unique. It’s no shock that Chapman highlights FIVE different love languages because unique humans are going to give and receive love in their own unique ways. The one thing that doesn’t change is that we love because God first loved us.  And He placed that desire for love and connection in our hearts. I encourage you to learn about love languages, first in your marriage, and second with your kids and see how it shifts the dynamic of your home.

When you are trying to connect with your child, or maybe diffuse a tense moment with them try approaching it by tapping into their love language. Try hugging your kid during a tantrum. It took me a while to get this one right, but if Kid 2, “physical touch” boy, is feeling BIG emotions and I remember to hug him and cradle him through it, it has a much brighter (and shorter) outcome. Or try scheduling 10 minutes of “special” time with that kid that gets filled up by “quality time”. And if you have a kid, like mine, that just glows from receiving a gift, go buy that toy they’ve been begging you for, for no reason. Watch them light up!

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Renewing Your Mind In A Hard Season

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

Parenthood is hard. It is also beautiful, joyful, and the greatest gift. But can be excruciatingly frustrating and hard. I am a mother to three boys ages 2-6 (I know, I am barely getting started). In parenthood (and life), there are seasons that feel difficult and seasons that feel lighter. Currently, this season feels heavy, an elephant sitting on my chest heavy.

I am blessed to stay home with my kids. For me, staying home truly was an answer to prayer. I am eternally grateful God provided that for our family. I know it is not for everyone, some women love to work full-time and don’t want to stay home, which is 100% okay. But for me, staying home was a gift from God.

A Hard Season

Fast forward to now. My husband wanted to switch jobs and God provided the perfect opportunity for him. However, a new job means new hours and new travel. My husband is currently on week two of traveling and we have another four weeks to go. He comes home Friday nights and leaves again Sunday nights.  So we get to see him for 48 hours each weekend.

I am tending to my three needy children alone. If you are a parent you know just how exhausting it is to parent alone. Parenting is designed to be done as a team: mother and father, husband and wife. But instead, I am doing it all by myself. The work of two, by myself. I am up with the birds (actually, maybe before) when my two-year-old decides 6:00 am is a great time to greet the day. I am also up at 2:00 am and 4:00 am because kids don’t always make it through the night, and suddenly the day has begun.

There are school drop-offs, school pick-ups, soccer practices, play dates, forget cooking and cleaning for the next 6 weeks. If survival means a lot of chicken nuggets, so be it. Laundry has to be done, but it doesn’t have to be put away, right? The list goes on, the tasks pile up, and by the time I finally finish putting everyone to bed by 9:00 pm, I can barely keep my eyes open to finally decompress. It’s a hard season.

You Choose How You feel

One of the greatest gifts God gave us is freedom of choice. We get to choose our spouses, our jobs, our homes, our friends…OUR ATTITUDE. God gifted us with emotions to really feel our way through life, and we are the only ones that choose them. We control how we feel and how we react.

I can sit here and focus on just how much I miss my spouse, or how tired I am, or how I just want ONE SECOND to myself. I can choose to dwell on the hard and feed the negative emotions. OR…

I can CHOOSE JOY. I can choose to look at things from a different perspective. And then I can realize that although I am tired, we are all healthy! We are thriving! Some people cannot say the same.

We have the choice to reframe our negative thought patterns and renew our minds (see Romans 12:2). Instead of saying, “I am alone while my husband isn’t even here to help me.” I can say, “Both of us are working so hard for our family. I am so blessed to have a hardworking spouse, and I know this hard season isn’t going to last forever.”

When we look at our problems from a place of gratitude instead of a place of grumbling, we learn to embrace the bad with the good. We realize, “Maybe this thing that I thought was bringing me down is actually an opportunity to grow in faith and trust.” Growth is not easy and we humans don’t like change. But when we focus on the blessing on the other side of the trial we realize we can do hard things (see Philippians 4:13).

Your issues might be a lot bigger than mine because I realize in the grand scheme of life, mine are minuscule. Or maybe you’re another parent struggling to find the joy, or maybe you’re actually in an easy season right now. Wherever you may be, focus on the growth. I encourage you to challenge your thoughts, to reframe negativity, and renew your mind.  Find the blessings. Embrace the hard. God is with us and will guide us through it, we just have to open our eyes and see it.

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Parents Welcome ‘Miracle’ Triplets After Experiencing Tragic Losses Of 4 Babies In Over 2 Years

by Christa
written by Christa

A couple from Ohio was overjoyed as they welcome their ‘miracle’ triplets to the family. After experiencing losses of 4 babies in just a span of 2 years, their newborns gave them hope and life.

Crystal and Marco Milutinovic had always wanted a big family. In their first try to conceive a baby, they spent 5 years to birth their firstborn son, Demitirje. During this time, doctors diagnosed Crystal with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). This puts Crystal into higher risk of pregnancy complications. But they did not give up their dream of having a big family.

On August 2018, Crystal found out that she was carrying triplets. The news elated the couple as her pregnancy went smoothly. But after 24 weeks, the joy turned to mourning. Crystal delivered the babies prematurely and had to say goodbye to two of their babies.

Parenthood challenges

Baby Milan suffered an infection in his intestines that turned septic. “Milan’s health declined rapidly and he also suffered a grade four brain bleed. We were trying to hold on to him, more for us, but he was in so much pain. We never thought we could turn the machine off but we couldn’t let him suffer any more,” Crystal explained.

As they were saying goodbye to Milan, baby Katarina’s heart rate dropped so low. Ultimately, they couldn’t save the two babies. “So I held them both close to my chest. Waiting for them to pass in my arms was the most difficult and deep pain I’ve ever experienced. It was unimaginable.”

The only one left, Lana, struggled to survive. Apparently, she was diagnosed with lung disease and E-coli. Doctors had to resuscitate her 10 times. Lana had to spend 109 days in NICU before finally coming home.

ALSO READ: Baby With Birth Defect In Mother’s Womb Healed After Daily Prayers

Crystal and Marco with children, Demitirje, Lana and the triplets

Crystal recalled, “I spent every day by her side, I needed her more than she needed me. Every day was so special with her.”

Despite what Crystal and Marco went through, there was still yet another challenge in parenthood awaiting for them.

Just a year later, Crystal was pregnant again with twins! She felt hopeful this time because the twins came on the anniversary of Milan’s and Katarina’s death. Sadly, 8 weeks later, Crystal suffered a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy.

Crystal shared, “It was the lowest point of my life – after losing Milan and Katarina, I never thought anything more could happen to us.”

The devastation made the couple to take some time out and stop trying.

Miracle Triplets

But on January 2020, Crystal and Marco received news that they are again expecting triplets. Even though multiples don’t run on both sides of their family, the couple was beyond surprised with what they heard.

This time, they went ahead to prevent any miscarriages again. They took out $6,000 to pay for a transabdominal cerclage procedure. This is to help prevent premature labor.

Successfully, it worked. On September 10, the Milutinovics welcomed the arrival of their healthy baby triplets, Malina, Kostadin, and Aleksija.

“I felt like our family was broken,” Crystal said. “But now it is complete. We felt complete when we brought them home to meet the other kids. I felt like we finally found what we were searching for.”

Indeed, we should never get tired of trying to achieve our dreams.

Reference: Daily Mail

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Are You ‘Loving The Little Years’ Or ‘Stuck In The Trenches’?

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

There are so many layers, sides, and facets to parenthood.  The truth is it is always changing, just like our kids are always changing and growing.  Once you think you have one aspect figured out, it changes and you start all over again. Each stage is a new transition that takes time to “master”. And no matter what phase of parenting you are in, whether it’s your first time with a newborn, or you have a kid going off to college, it is still the first time you are going through something.

It could be the first time you are bringing a baby home from the hospital or the first time you are packing up your child’s room for a university.  It might be the first time you are sending a little off to Kindergarten, or the first time you have a middle schooler. Or maybe for the first time you are planning your “baby’s” wedding. Whatever it is and whatever stage you are in, there are always still firsts to be had. If you feel like you have been stuck in the little years for 20 years, trust me, I have been there too and I promise you will survive.

The Firsts

The first time I had a newborn I thought the newborn stage was precious, but I was very eager to see my baby start interacting with me and the world, start crawling, eating solid food, and having a little independence. When I had my second baby and my first was only 20 months old, I couldn’t wait for the baby to grow up. I was overwhelmed with the “2 under 2” phase and desperately wanted a playmate for my eldest. But, when my third baby was born I truly appreciated the newborn stage. I loved snuggling my (very likely) last baby, I loved that he slept most of the day so I could focus my attention on his emotionally needy brothers, and I loved how helpless and squishy he was. I never wanted his newborn stage to end.

It’s crazy how each time I had a newborn my other kids had different needs. And I also had different needs. And each time I developed a new perspective on that stage.  See, even if you think you are a master of something (I mean it was my THIRD time having a newborn) it doesn’t mean there aren’t new lessons to be learned or new blessings to be found. I know it often feels like the little years are a war zone. And you are just praying to survive (no matter how much Daniel Tiger it takes). Try not to overlook the present, I promise you will miss that newborn cry and those tiny little diapers.

Loving The Little Years

In her book, Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches, author Rachel Jankovic really focuses on the small changes you can make. And the small moments where you can offer up prayers of thanksgiving to God. She often talks about how a lot of our struggles are in our own attitudes. And as parents and that the work of a mother or father often starts within, with ourselves.

If we approach the day with a negative attitude, we are choosing to set the tone as so. Full of grumbling and complaining. But if we approach the day with thanksgiving, joy, and positivity, we will set ourselves up for success. It is often all about perspective. This, of course, is not easy and it is a daily struggle of checking yourself and your thoughts. We will fail time and time again. But that is why we need God and His grace to guide us through.

His Grace Is Our Guide

In Chapter 1 Jankovic writes, “I didn’t write this book because mothering little ones is easy for me. I wrote it because it isn’t. I know that this is a hard job because I am right here in the middle of it. And I know you need encouragement because I do too. This is not a tender reminiscence from someone who had children so long ago that she only remembers the sweet parts. At the time of writing this, I have three children in diapers, and I can recognize the sound of hundreds of toothpicks being dumped out in the hall.

This is a small collection of thoughts on mothering young children for when you are motivated, for when you are discouraged, for the times when discipline seems fruitless, and for when you are just plain old tired. The opportunities for growth abound here but you have to be willing. You have to open your heart to the tumble. As you deal with your children, deal with yourself always and first. This is what it looks like, and feels like, to walk as a mother with God.”

I think that pretty much sums it up. As a parent, bring yourselves before God daily. Ask for His guidance, grace, joy, and love. We were not made to do this alone, He is here, waiting for us in the trenches.

 

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How To Be A Proverbs 31 Mom

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

Mornings are always tough for my little family. I try to wake up before the kids so I can make coffee, (try) and spend time with God, prioritize the day’s needs, etc.  But it doesn’t always work out.  And even when I do get up before them I often still find myself rushing around, blood pressure rising, and voice raising to get it all done before school or whatever plans we have for the day. At these moments, I am trying to train my mind to go back to Proverbs 31 and personify the wife/mother described in that passage:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'”

I want to be strong in my beliefs and instead of cowering in fear, I want to laugh at the days to come. I want to find it hilarious that I would even attempt to be afraid because I know God is with me and for me. I want to speak with wisdom and instead of barking orders, I want faithful instruction to roll off my tongue. I want to watch over my house with care and I want my children to recognize how blessed I am as their mother. I want my husband to see how noble I am.

This article from The Better Mom blog outlines lessons from Proverbs 31 that can help us be better moms:

5 Things We Can Learn From Proverbs 31 To Help Us Be a Better Mother

1. Diligence 

Diligence is an art and a skill.  It is to work carefully, without giving up or backing down.  Someone with a great work ethic is extremely diligent.  When we are diligent mothers we are working carefully and persistently with our kids.  We are gentle, compassionate, and we don’t give up on them.  We work alongside them.

2. Compassion 

Having a compassionate heart means to step outside of yourself and offer love and empathy to others.  I remember one time I was explaining to a friend how tough my (then) 2-year-old was in public places.  He would run from me, throw tantrums, and make a scene.  It was mortifying.  But she told me that one day he would grow out of that and it would show me how to be compassionate when I see other moms going through the same thing.  She was right.  I love sharing a kind word with a frazzled mom in public.  “Been there, done that, this too shall pass.”

We can use compassion and empathy with our kids as well.  Instead of raising our voices and getting frustrated at their never ending tantrum, we can try and understand their big emotions and offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

3. Servant’s Heart

“Having a mother with a loving, servant’s heart is a valuable gift for a child and it’s something we should start growing and learning now.” (Source)

I don’t think I knew true servanthood until I became a wife and then a mom.  Someone with a servant’s heart serves willingly, generously, and joyfully.  I don’t have a hard time with the serving part.  That’s pretty much all I do.  I clean, go to the grocery store, cook, bathe kids, help them in the bathroom, buy them clothes and toys, take them to and from school and sports, etc.  I am for sure serving them. It’s the attitude I struggle with. Someone with a true servant’s heart loves to give to and serve others joyfully – without asking for anything in return.

4. Wisdom 

“She opens her mouth with wisdom”.  The only way to be woman who speaks of wisdom is to grow in knowledge and faith in Jesus Christ.  You can’t speak God’s wise words if you don’t know His Word.  It doesn’t have to be hours of study on end because we all know a full-time mom does not have time for that kind of Bible study. But just taking small moments to fill up your cup will also fill you with wisdom.

5. Kindness

“The teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”  In theory, this should come easily, right? I mean our children are our most prized possessions.  They are those little miracles we hold so close to our hearts that we would do anything for and love them more than words.  So of course we are kind to them.  But always?  Well, we are human after all.  It is impossible to stay patient and calm with everyone at all times.  Especially on long days when you are stuck inside with your kids ALL DAY. But, if we want to teach our kids kindness, we need to show them kindness.

As I mentioned, mornings are tough.  And this morning being a Monday, it was hard to get back into the routine of homeschool due to COVID-19 and wrangling everyone to get dressed and ready.  My words were short as I was commanding everyone to listen to me and get moving…OR ELSE!!! My sweet, precious 3-year-old who is really the most kindhearted, gentle human ever said, “Mommy why are you so mad at me?”  He was reading my tone and he most definitely did not detect kindness.  It is always so humbling when you hear a comment like that to show you how your words and actions are perceived. But, I was able to practice my compassionate mom skills and scoop that boy up, apologize for my tone, and cover him with kisses.

Remember, we aren’t perfect, and we make mistakes. But grace gives us the chance to start over and try again, every second of every day. You can always re-read Proverbs 31 over and over and over again.

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Articles

I am Who You Say I am

by Joanna Flavin
written by Joanna Flavin

I am a 33 year old mom. I have been to college, got married, had first jobs, run races, been to graduate school, and currently I “stay-home” to raise my three boys.  Being a mom is not my only role, but right now it is what consumes 99% of my time. I have accomplished so much so far, I am the busiest I have ever been, my life is so full. Yet, why do I still wonder who I am at times? What is my identity?

It’s tricky. The world tells us we should be a certain way, look a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way. We should do it all perfectly, mistake-free.  If not, we are a failure.  If not, we aren’t worthy of love and attention.

Look at social media. You want to get noticed? Be perfect, be beautiful, be hilarious. Keep trying to make yourself someone you are not.  Use that filter, get that perfect lighting, take a million pictures (while in the background yelling, and stressing until each kid is smiling and looking at the camera – guilty!), post pictures of that clean room in your house, while the rest are covered in toys, dog hair, and laundry. There, you did it – perfection.  Now you’ll be loved and accepted by the world.  But, the thing is, as Christians we are not of this world.  We are not called to conform to this world. Stop wasting your time and energy on things that don’t matter!

I’m still learning about finding my true identity in Christ.

My worth is not measured in how pretty, or tall, or thin, or funny, PERFECT, or successful I am. My worth is not measured in how big my house is, how many cars I have, or how well-behaved my kids are, or how many Pinterest-worthy Halloween costumes I have sewn (zero, by the way, thank you very much).  My worth is not measured in how good of a mom others (or even myself) think I am. Thank God.  Because if it was…  I would never, ever measure up.  I would just keep failing, and failing, and failing.  I’d keep chasing an unattainable goal like a puppy on his tail.

That last one has been the hardest in this journey of identity.  In every job we have we are given a review, an end-of-year check-in with our boss.  Where are your strengths? What are you doing well?  Where are your weaknesses?  What do you need to work on? But, in parenthood? It often feels like our feedback is only from a pint-sized, screaming, whirling dervish of a three-year-old saying, “I hate you, Mommy!” because you gave him a blue cup instead of a red one at lunch.  Not very affirming, or uplifting.  Not exactly the pat on the back you were looking for.

Most days I can feel the joy around me.  I can feel how blessed I am.  How God chose me to guide these precious lives on Earth.  He chose me and ONLY ME to be the mother of these three boys.  The Lord of the Universe picked me, so that means I am qualified to do it. I am enough. Even though I have voices telling me I will never be good enough and I will never measure up – like that 3 year old, or the lies of Satan, or social media, or my own voice inside – none of those voices and opinions matter.  The only voice that matters is the God of Creation, the One who calls me His, the One who chose me for this very important job.

Maybe you aren’t a parent, but maybe you struggle with really owning your identity in Christ.  You struggle with believing His voice, and instead search everywhere else for validation.  Stop.  You are the daughter or son of the King, you are royalty, you are ENOUGH, and you matter.  Challenge those voices and lies that are telling you otherwise, and I promise you will find God’s truth in your life louder and more powerful than ever.

I am who You say I am.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” (Jeremiah 1:5)

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