When I was a kid we had a treehouse at our camp up on a lake in New Hampshire. I was never that interested in the canoeing or swimming as much as I was in the peaceful solitude of that little tree house. It felt like a mountain retreat; my refuge; my secret place. Just me and my thoughts. I don’t have a tree house anymore but I DO have a place I go with all MY secrets.
The definition of secret is: “Not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others; strictly confidential, top secret, classified, restricted, unrevealed.”
Deep pain in the depths of the soul is simply not shareable; not something you can even speak of. It’s probably a secret grief or pain or wound that you will carry out of this world, unspoken. Maybe a memory of loss, or abuse, or war, or the day you learned a painful truth that rocked your world, or the curse of someone’s vile words over you.
There is this ONE day in the year that I dread and hate above any other bad day. It holds a secret of my heart that no, I am not going to divulge. I am guessing most of us have a day that is set apart above all others as THE single most painful day of our lives.
Because I live through this day every year (my own Groundhog Day of sorts) I wondered if there was anything about this experience that I could have missed – something I could uncover or a way I could cope better. I wondered if I should share it in words. And I wondered if that would make it less painful.
I came up with a resounding NO. I just can’t. Nor can you.
And we all need to know that sometimes it is okay and has to be that way. It is a soul secret and requires us to go to the only secret place where we CAN find comfort for our soul!
Jesus is my refuge, my soul’s mountain retreat.
His presence with me is my adult tree house. I feel totally safe to fall apart at His feet every year on the same day; and then get up the next day and know that because I went to my secret place (my soul’s treehouse) I was NOT destroyed yet again. And that for me, is always enough.
Yes, the truth sets us free. I get that. But SOME truths are a excruciating burden that only God can understand and share with us. Which brings me to this point – if you find yourself with the calendar flipping to THAT particular horrible day or horrible memory, just know that God holds your heart and He alone understands your pain. I don’t need an answer really – I’m way past that and there aren’t any – I just need to be held. I just need to be able to unravel a little in a safe place, and then get back to my life; get back to living.
“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1)
We DO have a secret, safe place to go with our deepest secrets. He is always waiting with an OPEN sign 24/7. I am never rejected, or scorned, or misunderstood, or laughed at. I come as I am, frail and worn – and when I leave I am stronger and a little more whole.
“I will say of the LORD, ‘HE is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Surely He will save you (and me) from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.’” (Psalm 91:2-3)
If you ever see me just up and disappear for a bit, I’m just in my soul’s treehouse. I’ll be backkkkk!