Last year started out hard. Coming off of 2020 God started moving in Jonny and I, but then the impact of 2020 hit us. Our circumstances became hard, our relationship was hard, being a parent of a special needs kid was hard. It was like the refiners fire got turned up on everything in our life, and all of our crap came to the surface.
When people this year asked me where I felt like God was in all of it. I replied “God is like Abraham and I’m like Issac. He’s leading me to the altar, I don’t know what the outcome will be, but all I can do is trust him even when I don’t understand.”
Jonny and I have worked and processed through so much deep pain this year. From facing deep childhood pain, to hitting some of the deepest grief and pain about Yanna. As well as continuing the process of healing deep wounds between us. We both had to take a long hard look at ourselves and rather than being defensive.
We had to lean in, listen and choose to grow. But I suppose that’s the process of dying to yourself, of choosing to lay your life down, choosing into the process, choosing to look at the pain so you can find greater healing.
Emerging on the other side of this, I’m starting to see like a blurry picture coming into focus, the reason why… All of God’s promises are yes and amen. He is more committed to me and what He has for me than I am. And sometimes like childbirth, pain proceeds the promise. Sometimes it feels like you have to die to the life you built in dis-function to receive a life built out of healing.
I think as long as I’m living I will be in process. It’s part of being a human, but I have a God who loves process, who loves to father because he loves me. The point is not arriving, the point is what happens between Him and I in the process. Like the altar of sacrifice, I’m laying down who I have become in pain to receive who God has meant for me be in healing. In turn I feel more connected to God, my husband, parents, kids, siblings, friends, and even myself. Through it all I became more deeply connected to the One who lovingly chose to lead by example and lay down His own life on the altar of the greatest sacrifice to restore connection with me.
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