I wonder if you can make it all the way to the end, after a tumultuous journey, and STILL manage to go left when you should turn right. Surely, I tend to do this. I wonder why. Do I self-sabotage or am I actually afraid of succeeding, after being used to failing? A friend once referred to this as “security in bondage”. I wonder if THIS is the cycle I am caught in? And I wonder if I can catch myself THIS time before I fall. I wonder if recognizing my enemy THIS time will allow me to slay it before it slays me. I wonder.
What Is A Cycle?
What is a cycle? It is a “recurring succession of events or phenomenon that usually leads back to the starting point.” BAM! As the saying goes, “Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off. Who was left? Repeat. Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence…” You get my drift.
I am SO over being caught in the chains of cycles. I feel like the enemy of my soul knows me so well. There is a song called CYCLES by Jonathan McReynolds. It expresses how I feel to a T! “See the devil, he learns from your mistakes – even if YOU don’t. THAT’S how he keeps you in cycles.” And there it is folks. We all too quickly fall back into our familiar patterns, judgment lapses, and those infamous cycles. We return to the things we recognize and feel acquainted with, and are drawn to the tarnished securities of bondages.
What Is Bondage?
I feel like I need to first define the word bondage: “the state of being a slave.” So, whatever owns you, you are a slave to it. That can definitely be a relationship, a habit, an addiction, maybe even a state of mind. I am used to feeling this way, so I return to it. I am used to being treated this way, so I return to it. And I am used to being a slave – uh oh – so I return to my bondage. Thus, is the pattern of cycles.
I wonder if there are triggers to cycles. Maybe a relationship, though wrong, brings familiar endorphins to the heart making it harder to let go. Or maybe a state of mind is so much a part of who you are, that you feel dysfunctional without those thought patterns. Maybe a pattern of abuse has become your only recognizable place. Sometimes freedom looks a whole lot more threatening. Familiar always feels safe. Even when it is a false front.
He Wants Obedience
I realize I have somehow been looking for some AHA moment or tried and true answer or a magic wand would even do (so to speak) – and the answer lies within me. It would be easier if it wasn’t boiling down to my own choice. It would be easier to have someone lay hands on me and command deliverance, or the skies to open and freedom to descend on my brow. Nope. It is denying one’s self from something you so desperately wish to keep hold of. Even if all that really is, is the familiar secure pull of bondage.
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.” (Matthew 15) I need to ready myself to crush and dismantle the cycle. Why? Because God said so. The Bible says He doesn’t want our sacrifices. He wants our obedience!
Obedience at any age is difficult, whether you’re a tantrum-throwing two-year-old, a rebellious 13-year-old teenager or a stuck in cycles 63 year old. Basically, I need to break my own cycles by denying myself whatever it is I am enslaved to.