I have spent the last few years fearfully trudging the long journey back into the cesspool of a past I was attached to, in more ways than I realized or was ever willing to face. The pain was too deep and too great, and more than I could mentally handle. I call it “too much of too much”.
In recent months I have finally gotten far enough in to uncover the murky depths long-buried by time and its shame. It has been the most terrifying and liberating journey I did NOT know I needed to take.
Long Journey: Facing My Past
But WHY? Why would I care to face my past; the one I had carefully laid to the side and ignored all the while hoping it would just go away. Why would I decide I needed to face my deepest darkest fears? Why would I subject myself to the pain of reliving abuse, rejection, shame, and despair? There is really only one reason for me – generations. I did it for those who come behind me.
I do not want to leave any trace of my abuse alive and well in my DNA and in my family line. I do not want to leave any stones unturned. Deuteronomy 7:9 says, “Know therefore that the Lord thy God, He is God, the faithful God, who keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love Him and keep His commandments to a thousand generations.”
To A Thousand Generations
A THOUSAND generations. Those words are a stark reminder to me that my life is NOT my own and just about me. If that was true, I would not have taken the voyage of healing, in a raging sea of horrors. I did it for my kids. And for my kids’ kids, and their kids, and their kids. And for a thousand generations. We all come with 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great grandparents, 16 great-great-grandparents, and so on with the power of multiplication all the way to 1,024 great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents.
We are all connected, from generation to generation and there is NO escaping it. So, the question is, do we want to leave behind a legacy of blessing, or a legacy of curses? Yikes. I would assume we would ALL choose blessing. “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live.”
Leave A Lasting Legacy
What IS a legacy? It is a provision, birthright, heirloom, endowment, an inheritance of some sort – something we leave behind when we are gone. Generally, the very first things we think of in terms of inheritance is money or property; the family business. Money and property and businesses are all great, but we all don’t have ANY of that to leave behind. I know I don’t. So what CAN I leave behind???
IF I am able to leave behind blessings to my offspring, then I have come to understand it comes through my freedom from an ugly past. NO way, NO how do I want to leave behind my fears and guilt and struggles and bondages. For me, I have had to face all my secrets and shame from abuse, in order to rise above it and break it off the next generations after me. Secrets breed secrets; anything you hide can grow and reappear in those who come after you.
The Bible is clear on the subject of truth – it sets you FREE. “Ye shall know the truth (ALL the truth) and it WILL (not maybe) set you FREE.” (John 8:32) We can not even hope to pass on a pure, uncontaminated heritage unless we first unravel the sins of the past, the shames of the past, the failures of the past. By doing that, it stops it ALL – dead in its secretive paths. THIS is why I am trying my hardest to face every part of who I was and who I am, in order to get the best version of who I have yet to be.
Long Journey: Choose Blessings
“See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26) It is ALWAYS a choice – in fact, every minute of every day of your life on planet earth is governed by your choices. I don’t know about you, but I find this sobering – it feels like a weighty responsibility I did NOT always take so seriously. I mean, I knew that – but only of recent did I connect that my silence about my past and its harmful, damaging effects on me could become somewhat of a curse I could unknowingly pass down.
I now refuse to be governed by silence and shame. I refuse to let MY offspring and bloodline not see clearly, the journey before them. If we do NOT face OUR own enemies and slay them, how can we hope to teach THEM how to do that for themselves? No more secrets. No more shame.
I am telling my story soon, in a book I have titled Beyond The Bolted Door, to be released soon. It is MY way to heal and to help others heal and to break the silence I have held for way too long. No longer will I be held captive by satan’s lies and his fear tactics. I WILL be a voice for a thousand generations. THAT is my legacy. THAT is my hope. THAT is my WHY. That is the blessing I can leave behind.
And I do it scared. But I know it matters. My story matters. Your story matters. You can and WILL change history.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and NOT for evil, to give you a FUTURE and a HOPE.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
To a thousand generations.